From shame to grace

As many of you are aware, the SAA fellowship has utilized the title “from shame to grace” and many might ask “What does that really mean?” I would like to brake down this concept in a way to acknowledge that one of the key elements in treating addiction is through targeting the shame and guilt attached to the behaviours presented in the addiction process. This shame and guilt cycle is rooted in a belief system which engages in one’s own unique addiction cycle. This addiction cycle is embedded in a larger addictive system which again starts with a shame based belief system. This belief system is rooted in core beliefs that the sex addict holds to be true about self, they are:

-My needs won’t get met if I have to rely on others.

-No one would love me as I am.

-I am a bad, unworthy person.

-Sex is my most important need.

This addiction cycle becomes the driving force in the addict’s life, having all stimulus that the addict becomes in contact with passing through the sexually compulsive filter. The cycle starts with a preoccupation, in other words a mental obsession that formulates from one or all of the identified core beliefs which translates into ritualistic behaviours that has the addict already engaging in the neurological aspects of the brain; the dopamine, vasopressin and oxytocin chemicals are hitting the reward center as the engagement in the unique rituals begin. Once the addict is at this stage of the cycle there is no way for them to avoid engagement in compulsive behavior, their brain has deep embedded the neural pathways involved in this process. As the engagement in compulsive behaviours eventually subside, another system engages, the shame and despair system that reinforces the identified core beliefs, the cornerstone of the addiction process. This shame and despair cycle is most damaging to the psychological system, reinforcing the negative core beliefs and keeping the addict stuck. Often times the only way to relieve this cycle is through further acting out behaviours or simply further engagement in maladaptive behavior. So how do we move “from shame to grace?” In other words how do we disrupt this system and engage into a “recovery system”.

First it is important to breakdown what this “recovery system” looks like. This system over time will be the development of a new belief system that leads to empowered thinking and a greater reward, the ability to engage in a system that is rooted in self affirmation and integrity. Again, how do we get there?

I would like to make this the emphasis of this article, the importance in noting that a balanced recovery system is made up of therapy, accountability, boundaries and self care. I believe that one of the most important elements in this self care process is one’s ability to exercise compassion towards self, in other words shifting from shame or simply beating up self and into self compassion where kindness and grace is given to self. This is not an easy process and often not as linear as described. In other words, it requires a lot of effort to move “from shame to grace”. As this system is practiced and reinforced, neural pathways will then develop as a new way of seeing self, a new narrative that reinforces “recovery behavior”. I would like to affirm those in this process of the courage required to move in this direction, it will often feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar and awkward, but stick with it and invite others in who love you and accept you for who you are. Self compassion is the ability to offer self-kindness rather than self-judgement. To understand common humanity and come out of isolation. And lastly to engage in mindfulness rather than over-identification. Perhaps another way of looking at this is simply asking yourself: Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

This was formulated by Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading clinician in the area of self compassion, again in my opinion the key to one’s journey “from shame to grace”. If you are struggling with shame and want to walk the journey out of shame and into grace, visit self-compassion.org and utilize the practices as part of your recovery process and remember, you are worth it!

Mike Quarress CSAT-S