Sex Addiction as a Intimacy Disorder

Looking at addiction in forms of a dysfunctional relationship is necessary in acknowledging relationship dynamics as well as seeing Sex Addiction through the lens of an intimacy disorder.  This is not just an ordinary relationship; one’s pathological “love” relationship to a mood altering experience, one which causes life damaging consequences is a way to define addiction.  It is important to see it as a “mood altering experience” as it does not require alcohol and/or drugs; simply substance, but can be to another individual where there is an inability to bond.  Sex Addicts or addicts in general present with difficulties to bond due to having difficulties in trusting others, therefore any form of intimacy other than sex becomes very difficult.  As many sex addicts equate intimacy to sex as it is what they have developed early on in the developmental stages of attachment, many struggle with true concepts of intimacy and allowing others to see in to them simply as failure to attach.  One of the primary failures that plays a role in making a sex addict is the inability to sustain intimacy.  Sustaining intimacy with others is next to impossible while one is active in addiction as the need to conceal and limit detection of any addictive symptoms becomes the obsession making it impossible to let others “see into you”.  Intimacy requires authenticity, honesty, transparency and openness which are not behaviors of the sex addict.  Addiction in any form does not allow for solid bonds as the primary relationship in the addicts life is that to their addiction and its specific rewards.  Many addicts enter a form of recovery, some attend residential treatment centers with addiction recovery as the focus which simply creates separation from this pathological “love” relationship but many struggle to sustain sobriety as they fail to cut off the connection to “the most meaningful relationship” in their life.  I truly believe that the successful treatment process for any addict is one that allows for separation as the beginning and then offers opportunity to grieve the loss of this primary “love” relationship and finally becoming emancipated, simply becoming free of the control from the relationship entirely.  Many sex addicts seek out connection through avenues that do not require any forms of intimacy, such as anonymous sex through online hook ups and one night stands to cybersex oriented relationship that have no interpersonal connection other than through the digital world.  These avenues offer opportunities for addicts to bond in the ways they are capable of, not requiring any forms of intimacy while at the same time fueling “erotic desires”.  Intimacy is often defined as a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other.  Again, this is not possible to the capacity the addict has to be close to anything other than their addiction.  Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency (openness), vulnerability and reciprocity (giving back).  These are not areas presented by sex addict as often they are referred to as living two different lives respectfully.  The verb “intimate” means “to state or make known”.  To sustain intimacy for any length of time requires well-developed emotional and interpersonal awareness.  Intimacy requires an ability to be both separate and together participants in an intimate relationship.  Another way to distinguish the forms of intimacy where the sex addict presents difficulty in differentiating self from others, often certain types of sex addicts can not see themselves outside of the relationship, a form of enmeshment that is not intimacy as it represents little to no intimacy with self and solely a dependency projected onto another.  This often stems early in childhood with the child lacking individuation, not allowing the child to trust other individuals other that the sole caregiver.  It is also important to look at different areas of intimacy:

Physical/Sexual Intimacy

• Sensual proximity or touching.
• It is an act/reaction or be an expression of feelings (such as close friendship, love, or sexual attraction) which people have for one another.

Emotional Intimacy

• Depends primarily on trust and involves disclosing thoughts, feelings/emotions in order to reach an understanding, offer mutual support or build a sense of community.

Practical Intimacy

• Capable of or suitable to being used or put into effect-functional or useful.

Moral Intimacy

• A way of giving support to a person without making any contribution beyond the emotional or psychological value of the encouragement.

Spiritual Intimacy

• Sharing a connectedness to a larger reality; yielding a more comprehensive self; with other individuals or the human community; with nature or the cosmos; or with the divine realm.

Recreational Intimacy

• Spending leisure time with or engaging in activities with others for the purpose of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure.

Exploratory Intimacy

• Assisting someone with examination or investigating for the purpose of discovering something.

As we review different forms of intimacy, it is easy to see how the sex addict has a fundamental failure to trust others enough to build meaningful bonds and sustaining intimate relationships.  This then leaves them susceptible to non intimate relationships such as those with prostitutes, those engaging in exhibitionistic behaviors aligning with sex addiction and anonymous sexual encounters that are often the goal with online dating platforms, or adult friend finder apps.  These are the playing fields for sex addicts to act out in, deluding themselves into forming bonds, securing attachment and practicing forms of intimacy and connection leaving the sex addict in this “pathological love relationship” to the addiction or otherwise put the symptoms of an intimacy disorder.

Mike Quarress CSAT