Sex Addiction: Courtship Distortion in today’s Online “Hook-up” Culture

The first glance, a click or swipe away and it is love at first sight. Chemicals running through the pleasure centres of the brain and within seconds a plan is formulated, on set of mental obsession at its heightened state and we have the pathways of addiction in full swing. This is what today’s online “hook-up” dating looks like, to some, the intention is to scan the “lay of the land” and for others it is about looking for that fantasy like true love and live happily ever after. Divorced, single, married, engaged and the likes are plugged in, swiping left and right and portraying their best intimate self with the hopes of making that “real” connection, often in a phase of denial that “I don’t have time to meet people in your common social gatherings where the initial noticing stage of courtship is actually possible. Rather than noticing attractive traits in someone from a distance and mustering up the courage to engage with them, one now looks at pictures, reads profiles and takes a risk. Perhaps the risk is part of the dopamine hit to the brain, coupled with anticipating for the response, waiting for your phone to “ding” or vibrate in your pocket as you soon find out that someone is interested in you, or at least the you that is portrayed in your profile with a picture that looks like you have just come out of a modelling shoot. At this point we have jumped from noticing to attraction and flirtation all with a few clicks. “Adult Friend Finder Apps” are what they are called, most are designed to provide quick and efficient sexual possibility and before one knows it, they have moved to a late stage of the courtship distortion titled intercourse. In healthy sexuality, intercourse is more than the exchange of body fluids and dopamine activation, it is the ability to surrender oneself to passion, letting go and trusting yourself and partner to be vulnerable. Intercourse, while extremely pleasurable, is also an index of how you are able to give up control, to give oneself over to passion requires a true abandonment of how things are supposed to turn out, not like fantasy expectations or performance focussed. Many people limit themselves or fail in arousal and/or orgasm simply out of trust and control issues. So the question rises theory around types of sex addiction categories: Fantasy Sex, sexually charged fantasies where arousal depends on sexual possibility. For some it is simply Voyeuristic Sex, visual stimulation to solicit arousal. Exhibitionistic Sex, attracting attention using sexual pictures, gestures and erotic dialogue. Digital seduction, perhaps the name of the game in today’s online hook-up platforms. For some sex and love addicts, it is simply about the conquest where sexual possibility is not the focus and it is then more about the chase. This digital dance can also allow the addict to act out in Anonymous Sex, high-risk hook-ups with unknown persons where arousal does not require seduction or financial cost and is immediate, yes, fast food intercourse where there is even a drive through order and pick-up window. We also see online users in a category of vulnerable population where arousal patterns target different vulnerable “types”. No matter how you spin it, dating in the world of digitization often results in the disruption of the courtship process and has many with intimacy disorders, yearning for the latter stages of courtship in commitment which creates many obstacles to bond and attach. One must ask, is this the point, for those who have attachment issues prefer a platform where intimacy, vulnerability and attachment is not required to “hook-up”, thus online “hook-up” is the perfect recipe. Of the stages of courtship, sex addiction creates distortion in the categories such as in healthy courtship, noticing is often distorted by voyuerism or pornography. Attraction is distorted with fantasy, objectification and cruising. Flirtation is confused with seductive role sex. Demonstration distorted with exhibitionistic sex, objectification or stripping. In today’s world, media and Hollywood depicts the perfect romance, this is often the unrealistic goal of today’s online dating where romance is often distorted by fantasy sex, seductive role play sex and the breeding grounds for love addiction. The importance of Individuation, a crucial stage of courtship in healthy relationship development is often confused with humiliation, exploitative sex, objectification and domination, allowing one to adhere to their complex arousal template. The stage labeled Intimacy, often what is to be avoided in the “hook-up” world is distorted with trading/paying for sex, anonymous sex and the risky drug interaction. Stage four is represented with Touching, often replaced with such unhealthy behaviours and violent/abusive actions of pain exchange and intrusive sex. And then comes four play, often referred to as the most important part of sexual contact, it is the expression of sexual passion without genital intercourse. Surveys report it is “the best part of sex”. This stage gets distorted by pain exchange and anorexia like behaviour. And now time for Intercourse, the end goal in todays “hook-up” culture, is defined more as anorexia, objectification, object sex and prostitution. In today’s digital dating world, the last two stages of Commitment and Renewal are not at all possible due to the seductive role sex and shattering stats of infidelity which is portrayed in one of the largest online dating platforms, “life is short. Have an affair”. And so the story ends, she goes back to his house for some one on one time, they had just met only two hours prior and before she knows it she wakes up in his bed, it is 4:30am, “should I stay till morning or sneak out now and avoid being in too deep”. She decides to sneak out, fear of intimacy is to strong in her. And the two end up living happily ever after because they never spoke to each other again.

Mike Quarress CSAT