It is important to acknowledge that our most vital relational need is to be emotionally safe. Emotional safety is often our deepest vulnerability, and without emotional safety in place it is difficult, nearly impossible to truly connect. Simply put, if one does not feel safe in the presence of the other, true connection is not possible. Many who have compromised the safety of relationship through attachment ruptures such as betrayal, the common question asked is “how to we get back to safety” or simply “how do I create a safe space for the possibility to re-connect”. Now these are complex questions that have numerous facets to creating safety, they involve recovery and therapeutic process that are professionally guided and facilitated. One of the key components I like to use as couples are finding their way back to safety is the SAFER LOVE approach.
S: Slow and soft (slow down pace of speech and lower tone of voice)
A: Appreciation (enter discussion with thoughts of gratitude and a attitude of kindness)
F: Feelings (assess individual feelings on both surface and deep levels to share)
E: Empathy (attempt to connect with feelings that match your partners feelings)
R: Responsibility (own blaming behaviours, minimizing and prepare to admit mistakes)
L: Listening (give them your undivided attention and listen, the key to understanding)
O: Openness (be honest and willing to answer questions)
V: Validation (“It makes sense that you feel that way”)
E: Empowerment (show your appreciation for the others vulnerability)
For more information on the SAFER LOVE model and other elements of Emotional Safety, click the link and check out the work of Alex A. Avila.
Mike Quarress CSAT-S
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