Healthy Supportive Engagement

-Ways to use engagement to promote repair and move beyond betrayal, the use of the SUPPORT Model.

Many couples come to me acknowledging that they can not break the unhealthy patterns and dysfunctional cycles that create disconnect when there has been betrayal. This can be a delicate process that requires tools to practice to promote healthy engagement that breaks these destructive patterns. One model that comes to mind that I tend to utilize with couples that has provided positive results and compliments a new healthy pattern of engagement is the SUPPORT Model:

Stop and give them your undivided attention

Understand where they are coming from (simply listen)

Provide empathy (“That must feel…”)

Provide validation (“It makes sense that you feel that way”)

Be Open (HOW, Honest, Open and Willing to answer questions)

Show Remorse (take accountability, responsibility and express remorse)

Touch (provide physical comfort in the form of gentle touch if partner is open to it)

This model acts like a road map to connection, it first requires one to stop and be present, remove distractions and provide the other with your undivided attention. This can be tricky in todays age of distraction and the stimuli that surrounds us, I often encourage individuals to prepare the space to make this as easy as possible by limiting distractions. The next part, to understand, can be difficult as often one can’t understand what the other is going through with just knowledge, the best way to show understanding is by listening. I discourage at this stage to use words to try and assure them that you understand, that can show the other that you are not listening by simply talking when you should be just listening. Providing empathy and validation comes next, the ability to acknowledge the feeling that you have just listened into, and validate that feeling by honouring the emotion expressed. This should provide a level of safety required for your partner to then ask for your involvement in their hope to gain clarity by asking questions, here then comes the opportunity to be open, honest and willing to engage with them in a intimate and vulnerable way as they are presenting vulnerability to you, note the opportunity for deeper connection here. These can be hard questions to answer, it is important to show remorse by taking accountability and responsibility for your actions that contributed to the emotions expressed. The last part offers the opportunity to create connection and comfort in a non verbal way, perhaps start by offering your hand to them while holding your eyes steady to theirs, an even deeper form of connection that states, “I am here, I am safe and I support you”. Repair is possible, it takes practice, we all want to be heard and understood, the SUPPORT model does just that.

Mike Quarress CSAT-S