EFT in Couples therapy

Using Emotionally Focused Therapy in Couples Therapy Settings.

Stage 1: Stabilization

When using EFT in couples therapy, the initial objective is to identify and then de-escalate the negative cycle or in EFT language “dance”. This is often identified as the “dance of disconnect” that is referenced and even given a chosen name by the couples in the therapeutic process. In this process it is important to identify criticism, behaviours of distancing and stonewalling. As these elements are identified, the possibility of hope and a sense of agency is possible for both individuals as these aspects are then created with stabilization:

• Creating awareness of the dance of disconnect as the “joint enemy”
• Building of acceptance of the partner and the relationship
• Identifying and organizing affect
• Deepening emotional connection
• Choreographing emotional engagement, named “encounters”

Stage 2: Restructuring Attachment

The goal in the second stage involves healing and restructuring the attachment rupture or wounds created in the negative cycles or dances of disconnect. This restructuring attachment allows for:

• Deepening partners awareness of their attachment fears and needs
• Shaping attuned, accessible, responsive and engaged interactions
• Shaping constructive dependency
• Helping withdrawn partners to become more open and engaged
• Assisting blaming partners to ask for their needs to be met in a soft, evocative manner
• Both partners guided into offering a safe haven and secure base, and ideally, both are able to reach and respond to the other in a safe, loving, and authentic manner

Stage 3: Consolidaiton

With the final stage comes the most beautiful and rewarding work as the couples begin and sustain consolidation:

• Stabilization, reinforce and celebrate the changes both within and between partners
• Reinforce the newfound safety with one’s own emotional life and with close others that foster tolerance of differences, effective cooperation and coordination of responses and empathy
• Reflect, validate and celebrate the couples new “dance” of positive responsiveness
• Help partners create a new integrative narrative of how they have transformed their relationship and moved from helplessness to agency

In honour of Dr. Sure Johnson, emotional safety and true forgiveness is quoted from her book “Hold Me Tight”

“Injuries may be forgiven, but they do not disappear. Instead, in the best outcome, they become integrated into couples’ attachment stories as demonstration of renewal and connection”

Dr. Sue Johnson

I can’t emphasize enough the importance of EFT and its use in the couples therapeutic dynamic, if you are interested in exploring the use of EFT for couples, inquire about the couples therapy offered.

Mike Quarress CSAT-S