There is much controversy over the concept of “Love Addiction”, questions such as; can one be addicted to love? One of the fastest growing 12 step fellowships happens to be SLAA, standing for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, heck even Robert Palmer wrote a song with the chorus “might as well face it, your addicted to love”. Treatment programs are being developed and facilitated with this idea of treating one for their “Love Addiction”, the question stands, is it real and if so what is it? As a clinician in the field of Compulsive Sexual Behaviors as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I would like to breakdown what “Love Addiction” is, its origins and what assessment and treatment looks like for this often misunderstood disorder. Love addiction is a condition in which individuals do not fall in love with someone who will return their affection. Rather, they are attracted to somebody who will neglect the relationship, often an individual with an avoidant attachment style. This motivation is rooted in the subconscious but consciousness is problematic in its process and development. Love Addicts are not addicted to another person, or love for that matter, but to their fantasy of the relationship and how that will affect their lives. Simply put, established childhood fantasies are developed and projected onto others as the individual matures into adulthood. In the fantasy relationship, finally, they matter; they are worthwhile and loveable in this early stage of emotional development. The origins of love addiction are in early childhood trauma caused by neglect or abandonment, essentially, failure to attach securely. The child will develop attachment to what it is they create fantasy around. When a child is feeling neglected, disconnected, disengaged or lonely, daydreaming and fantasy provides the sense of security, safety and attachment which is necessary for a sense of well-being, that the child ‘matters’ to someone, even if that someone is not responsive, available or even ‘real’, an idealized figure or simply put a fantasy. Fantasy provides chemical changes to the brain, much like addictive or compulsive behaviors do. The addiction is to the chemical releases in the brain when the child is in a fantasy state. The chemical releases are that of which we see in the pleasure reward system of the brain as it receives its “hit” of dopamine. As the child matures and opportunities for social engagement arise, so does the opportunity and desire to project the fantasy onto another person. Dopamine, vasopressin, oxytocin and other chemicals fuel the erotic desire to attach and ‘matter’. It is important to note that this is an unconscious process when it involves the areas of the brain; “pleasure reward system” which is not available to awareness and surfaces through behaviors and feelings that present as symptoms of addiction. It is called love addiction because the emotions are experienced as ‘love’: attachment, connection, “he/she loves me”, sexual attraction, desire, worthiness is experienced at last. In a sense, the addict is addicted to the effects of the fantasy acting as dopamine hits to the brain. This is why when a ‘love addict’ feels abandoned or rejected, it feels like a withdrawal, because it is a chemical withdrawal in ones physiology. When the addict goes into withdrawal, they go into a child like state, emotionally and psychologically which presents as a neediness, insecure like attachment, simply they have a trauma reaction. One can misunderstand this as simply the inability to get over the separation of the relationship. In many cases we call this having our heart broken, to the addict it is internalized mentally as a core belief system of “I don’t matter”, I am unlovable”, I am unworthy”. This belief system fuels the addiction system and is at the root of the disorder.
So what does the assessment for “Love Addiction” look like? It is a difficult process as it is important to establish ones experience in close relationships to identify their style of attachment. It is also important to identify behaviors present in these toxic patterns of relationships, behaviors such as: assigning too much time, energy and attention which presents as the essential addiction symptom of mental obsession towards the other person, usually at their own expense. Often this is idealizing the other person “finally, the one who will really love me”. They will also bond quickly with others, with the appearance of being very warm and emotionally responsive. They are often very fearful of any sort of inactivity within the relationship, they will want to know what is going on with their partner at all times and present as very anxious and hypervigilant when not knowing. Lastly, they are attracted to independence, individuals with very strong behaviors and simply the challenge and chase of “hooking up” with the other utilizing their seductive, flirtatious like erotic energy.
Lastly, what does the treatment process look like? Therapeutic modalities rooted in theories of trauma, attachment and deep family of origin work are imperative to any treatment model when looking at these deep seated issues. As this is often rooted in ones firmly established core beliefs, treatment designed to establish the core belief system and establish new, empowering beliefs about oneself is also a way to help individuals move out of the toxic attachment styles developed and learn healthy behaviors to secure relationships where the togetherness/separateness force often referred to as boundaries is established. Simply, individuals can be treated and experience the closeness needed in a healthy relationship as we all yearn for and desire as human beings.